This year has been wild with the memes. Whether it be Farrah Moan crying or that one unflattering photograph of RuPaul, they’re a strange act of creativity, and it brings me SUCH joy to click and drag the good ones to my desktop.
This past reunion episode has pumped up the volume exponentially, after it aired Reddit was BLOWING. UP.
I watched it live too. It was everything I wanted and more. Especially because a [deleted] user on Reddit spilled T on the episode.
I remember when I first read it it felt funny because the first sentence said the information was provided by OutTV Canada or something. Plus, the user had just been created. It was posted on the speculation thread for the upcoming Reunion episode. Maybe an hour or two after it was posted, it was deleted. And some of the information was true, some of it was not. So I think it was the producers finally trying to stir the pot on Reddit. Which I think is awesome; wish they’d do that more. I didn’t save the post, but it claimed Peppermint would win Miss Congeniality – simply not true. But it did mention that RuPaul would talk to Charlie Hides about diarrhea, which she indeed DID in the episode.
I’m gonna start this review off with my take on all the reunion outfits. True story: at the very beginning of the episode they flash pictures of everyone’s individual outfits on the screen. (That’s not the story) When this occurred I had actually dropped a chip’s worth of guacamole on the carpet and was frantically cleaning it up so I didn’t get to see all the photographs. Thus I bought this episode on iTunes to watch it again. That’s how they get you. (JK tho)
Actually fuck it I’m gonna start off this review with a formal apology. So sorry about what you’re about to endure, I’ve been having a foggy membrane day; I’m chugging this coffee at 4:00 PM on a Turkish Tuesday. I may or may not mistake Nina Bo’nina Brown for RuPaul and Shea Couleé for a salted Wendy Williams. Salty like the cracked tortilla chip that grazed my floor. Let’s begin.
Category is: The day after filming the finale (tense)
Jaymes Mansfield: I have a very specific perspective of this ensemble. At Cats the Musical one of the cats threw me a synthetic blue rose from the stage and it looks just like the one planted above her head. So I’m getting good nostalgic vibes from Jaymes on this day.
Kimora Blac: Wearing black. Stunning tbh
Charlie Hides: I love the colors of the dress and gloves they’re both lovely. Just lovely. But I want to light that candle wick on her head and burn her wig off her scalp.
Eureka O’Hara: This Beetlejuice gig is much more polished than what that other queen came up with, but I still… I think it’s the green hair. Emphasis on green because the wig itself is styled beautifully.
Cynthia Lee Fontaine: I’m smiling real big at the fact that she looks straight into the camera. Red is my favorite color so I’m not mad at this look.
Aja: Oh good God. I’m rightfully torn between love and hate. Life and death. She is the walking renaissance. I bet Björk would like this.
Farrah Moan: This garment is so plain but because it’s Farrah Moan I’m ferociously living for some reason.
Valentina: Gorgeous but like all these flat-chested queens I’m still waiting for a little bit of titty.
Nina Bo’nina Brown: And here is a queen that serves that little bit of titty. Not saying it’s every queen’s life goal to actually pass as a woman but Nina is giving me I-have-a-vagina-in-Africa realness.
Alexis Michelle: Yesss gawd this outfit reminds me of Brooke Candy a bit. Like that whole metal-frame thing? No? Well it’s still fierce.
Peppermint: I’m feeling some yes and I’m feeling some no. I don’t know y’all I feel pressured by this look I’m moving on
Sasha Velour: The wig is drab when it could be stab. This is a really cute look though I have to admit
Shea Couleé: Maybe if she gave a lil’ bit of titty she could have won RuPaul’s drag race. Ok yes and she looks beautiful.
Trinity Taylor: Ooooh she’s giving me Palace of Fontainebleau mon chéri oui oui.
OVERALL CONSENSUS: It’s good.
Alright so BAM everyone’s on their asses ready to take it from RuPaul. Literally no fucking around the first topic is Alexis Michelle’s self-worth. Ru rolls the clips and the camera sections in on Aja’s cringing face.
I clock Charlie Hides’s mischievous smile from behind Alexis as she begins to talk out her feelings. Her opinions on body-image and the works. The minute she brings up Eureka’s joke on eating disorders RuPaul stops her, and I felt a little bamboozled. In this moment Shea begins to rev up her engine, her fully oiled and compressed engine, and clap-backs with Alexis’s comment on her teeths. RuPaul eagerly observes. Peppermint is the only one who has an appropriate (non-personal) perspective on it, saying Alexis isn’t even a BIG queen, but then Trinity chimes in and says Alexis shouldn’t even be a drag queen.
I was like… holy shit.
Randomly RuPaul starts talking about Lady Bunny, uppers downers and candy corns, Acid Betty, and the devil. Your inner saboteur. The queens laugh at his pain. Reading is fundamental, Aja says, and everybody whips out their spectacles.
Jaymes throws me for a loop and says, “Oh yeah, I had a really good read for Valentina… but I can’t remember the words”!
It was kind of her to butter Valentina up for the savage romper-room fuckery she’d be experiencing within the next 30 minutes.
Then Eureka takes us for a spin and says “Trinity swears she’s so fishy, bitch, all she’s serving is Fisher Price“. Trinity was shooketh, “Bitch, you look like fish, a whale” she retorts. Then they duke it out verbally while RuPaul pries the glasses from Eureka’s fingers. The library doors are locked closed.
Next topic, shocking eliminations. Charlie Hides is up first. RuPaul compares her to a dead person, “Charlie, what happened”? He asks.
“Ooooooii I ain’t lookin’ to start a kerfuffle ‘ere but ehhhhh… Me ‘ad an engury, me ribs were damp squibs, fookin’ rubbish. Shea’s fat”
“I call bullshit” Shea says. Charlie shouldn’t have mentioned Shea because the night prior was not a good night for Shea and she was ready to hurt people. She brings up that Charlie was switching stories in order to defend herself. “Eh well I ain’t one to haggle up some sushi, Trinity’s a fookin’ sushi fence, warts and all” Charlie replies, “I’m miffed you’d ‘ave me this way, I taped me ribs Jock, frig off”.
“What” says Sasha. “No more excuses”, says Trinity.
Charlie stumbles, “I DID THE SONG THE SONG KNEES-UP I’M WANKIN’ ON-STAGE I’M TOSSING OFF IT WAS A BAD CHOICE IN HINDSIGHT”…
“If you were masturbating, we weren’t getting off, girl”, Aja says. This made me smirk. “I read somewhere that you had diarrhea”, RuPaul adds. It was a rough day for Charlie. For the madness of television everyone’s desperately trying to get Charles to admit she wanted to go home that episode. She doesn’t take the bait so RuPaul presents a never-before-seen clip that throws Nina under the bus too.
Charlie is so thoroughly thrown she apologizes to RuPaul, to which he answers, “You’re fabulous on YouTube”.
Eureka’s moment finally comes to talk about her exit. Ru asks her what it was like to be eliminated so tragically. After a really heartfelt answer that keeps the queens reflective, Ru asks Farrah Moan to do her sad retching noise, which she does without hesitation or flaw. “Was anyone happy Eureka left so tragically”? RuPaul asks. Shea sure was. That made Shea happy. While the vicious fires are toking, Trinity says that Eureka is loud and obnoxious. “Get well soon, girl” says RuPaul.
And finally, the moment we’ve all been waiting for… “VALENTINA… BRING ME MY MASK!” RuPaul rolls that fateful clip and I’m trembling in my seat.
“What was going through your head” Ru asks. “I don’t know” Valentina answers. Riveting.
“Well at least you didn’t make excuses, like Charlie” Trinity counters. LMAO, damn, girl.
Ru then asks Valentina if she ever learned the words. Val stumbles over herself to answer while Sasha shakes her head (“GORL”). Shea snaps at her, saying “It’s a 7-word chorus”. “Mmmhmm” Valentina mumbles. It’s actually a 76-word chorus.
RuPaul brings up the backlash from Valentina’s elimination with Nina. All Nina has to say is she did what she had to and it’s unfortunate that she got hate for it. What was she supposed to do? Pretend she didn’t know the lyrics also? Please.
So why did Valentina’s fans come for the girls so strongly? “My fans are very underrepresented in the media” Valentina states, “I-I represent something similar to what Selena represented in the 90s, um, Chicano/Mexican 1st generation talented, so they’re overprotective of that, and they’ll fight anybody”.
I literally swiped my hair to the side and pinned it ’cause I thought I wasn’t hearing right. Selena in the 90s? Selena in the 90s? Selena in the 90s.
She goes on to say she doesn’t endorse that kind of behavior, to which Peppermint asks, “Why didn’t you say that?” Then like 5 queens start talking over each other which made me chuckle. They were all ready to tear into her.
“I don’t approve that, and I hope you guys know that” she says. The way I see it if Val really cared she wouldn’t “hope” her sisters knew that, she would MAKE SURE her sisters knew that. I don’t understand Valentina’s perspective at all. Alexis reminds her how she called her CRYING over the hatred she was receiving. “I’m really bad with social media” Valentina says, I kind of just love to live my every day life, and I don’t really like to be involved with what people think or what people are saying”.
Shea has something to say.
“When we were in Montreal you were on that phone checkin’ every like, every follow, every single thing. Whether you were reading the comments verbatim or not you knew what was going on”. Then Shea proceeds to mock Valentina’s voice which was unsettling, but she made some valid points. The other queens seemed to agree.
“I’m confused”, sighs Shea.
“YOU DON’T NEED TO BE CONFUSED and you have lots of opinions of me tonight, Shea” Val emphasizes.
“There’s no reason to get upset with me we’re just talking” says Shea.
“No, you’re the one who’s upset, I’m not upset” retorts Valentina.
“…Do I look upset to you”?
Eureka tries to calm it down by making another valid point, saying it’s intimidating to have 400,000 strangers awaiting any response she gives. Unfortunately this stirs the pot even further.
Peppermint says it’s not fair for her to disconnect, Valentina sticks out her hand and says she needs to speak, and speak she does.
She apologizes and tells her fans she wants them to respect other drag queens. She goes on to say she disconnected from everyone while processing her elimination. She looks RuPaul in the eyes and tells him she’s been torn for months. Apparently everyone knows about this: she wasn’t leaving the house; she was hurt that RuPaul was disappointed in her, which made Ru stir in his seat. Right before this was filmed he had forgot all about lil old Valentine. He reiterates that he picks everyone for a reason, yadda yadda, we are all stars, we are alllll starsss. At least she got her telenovela ending.
Speaking of drama, Nina Bo’nina petty dragqueena Brown is on the chopping block. Ru asks Nina if she thinks the girls are still continuing to talk behind her back. “Yeah and I shoulda been Blac Chyna” Nina answers.
“There are time stamps, Nina” Shea attempts. “I wanna see this” Nina counters. Kimora whines about Nina being shady on Instagram live; Nina says she’s just playing, but according to Kimora “you didn’t say JK though”. An excited RuPaul steps in to turn things around. So, if you’re just joking, maybe the other girls are just joking too, right? “Mmmmmm, no” she says.
Tune in to Nina’s livestream for more fits and fashions.
Out of no where Kris Jenner queen supreme has hijacked the reunion, and Alexis Michelle throws her hands up like they playin’ my jam. She praises Alexis for being the dopest on the ropest, but RuPaul doesn’t want her to feel her fantasy for too long. Next up, he brings up Alexis Michelle’s runway couture, “Is it a given that you all give each other feedback”?
Shea jumps in, “NO! To be realistic, there was feedback that Trinity was giving to you Alexis that I did not see you accepting or taking on. So for me in this moment I was just like why waste my breath”? Sasha piggybacks, “You know you’re stubborn, don’t you”?
“Like a bulldog”, Alexis returns, “I don’t disagree with you…but bitch I challenge you to find anybody that can do what I can do. Nobody can do Alexis Michelle like Alexis Michelle”.
Sometime after that we get to see some behind-the-scenes footage of the various guest judges this season. In one of them Michelle sneers at some random twink born in 1994 and that’s the only one that stood out to me.
Before Miss Congeniality will be crowned, the queens will toot or boot each other’s runway looks from this season. “NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!” Peppermint wails. How many toots does each queen get?
Alexis Michelle: -2 Toots
Peppermint: 4 Toots
Shea Couleé: -2 Toots
Sasha Velour: 0 Toots
Eureka O’Hara: 2 Toots
204 Events Chairs: 1 Toot
According to these results, Peppermint wins season 9. You heard this prediction here, folks, the truth is in the pudding (is that what they say?).
Now that that’s out of the way, we can crown our new reigning Miss Congeniality!!! Please welcome to the stage the former congenial princess, Miss Cynthia Lee Fontaine!!!
Ru asks if Cynthia has any parting words. “To allll the fans of RuPaul Drag Race, it was a great and amazing essperience. Thank you for your love and support (wink)”
So, without further ado… the winner of Miss Congeniality of season 9 IS……….(so nervous)…
She walks up and snatches that trophy. “I dedicate this prize to my mother. She taught me to always be kind and forgiving” Val says.
“So, thank you to her. Without her I wouldn’t even be congenial-”
“WHAT?!” interrupts Aja, “Waitwaiwaiwaiwaiwaiwai. CONGENIAL? …I don’t wanna be the one… But I’m gonna be the one. I just don’t feel like you should be Miss Congeniality”.
This moment had me so clocked I TRANSITIONED to the next gender. Currently typing this with a beard.
“Do you have anything to say to respond to Aja’s claim” asks RuPaul.
Valentina answers, “I’ve been kind to every single one of you, and I’ll continue to be kind towards success”.
“CAN I SAY SOMETHING” chimes Farrah Moan. “Well gosh diddly darn you go right on ahead kiddo” exclaims RuPaul.
“Valentina, we literally did everything together this whole show. We were such close friends and you literally have not spoken to me in almost 5 months, and… I really miss my friend, and it really hurts my feelings that you have not spoken to me” Farrah admits.
“I respect you and love you…um-” Val hesitates.
“YOU DON’T LOVE ME” spits Farrah Moan.
Aja gags and ovulates in the sidelines of this vicious confrontation.
Farrah continues, “I was a real friend to you. You would not have just dropped me. YOU DIDN’T THIN-”
“Farrah Moan if you want a friendship text me, call me, let’s talk about it” says Valentina.
“I HAVE TEXTED YOU, YOU IGNORE MY TEXT”
“You FINALLY responded to me when you got eliminated and I texted you and said are you ok and you said YES”
“…Ok. Let’s talk about it”
“I would really love to but it seems like you don’t have any time, or, really, any-any desire”
Aja steps in again, “You’re clearly not focused on anybody but yourself. Fan favorite, yeah great, you have a lot of fans that love you but is it fan favorite or congeniality” she questions.
“Fan favorite, congratulations everyone let’s make a round of applause for fan favorite” adds Farrah Moan.
“WORK FAN FAVORITE” shouts Aja.
“Thank you” says a defeated Valentina. As she turns to find her seat, out yells Trinity Taylor, “WAIT! I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TOO”. RuPaul busts a nut. “Valentina on the show I thought you only thought about yourself which was partially true-”
“What ISN’T true?!” cuts Farrah.
In the heat of the moment, the ferocity of the stadium, and for the love of Guadalupe:
(I screamed watching this live)
Trinity finishes, “But regardless of what anybody thinks about you, you are fan favorite. And that’s the true winner of the season”.
With the strewn, gutted corpses of each and every season 9 queen on the ground, a nail-less Eureka utters, “You see what you did, girl”? To which Valentina has nothing to say about that. RuPaul says something about the grand finale but I didn’t notice. I run my fingers through my hair to discover that it isn’t my real hair at all, it’s a wig. I remove it and I sit there, snatched bald. I cry. I cry for all the lost souls that night and I pray. I ask God for one final thing before my constructed gender is torn apart. “Crown Peppermint”, I tell Him. I collapse on to the carpet, next to my guacamole stain.
Girl, did you really read all of that? I respect you and love you if you did. I just wanted to mention that I do not own a copy of adobe photoshop, and therefore am not the mastermind behind any of these shady memes. I mopped most of these from the RuPaul’s Drag Race subreddit which you can find here https://www.reddit.com/r/rupaulsdragrace/. Before I wrap up this article, there are a couple more that… just can’t go un-posted.
I gotta find something less gay to write about.