Alright yes mama we’re gettin’ into the good stuff now mis amores!!! I mean mother monster was wonderful but this has gotta be my new favorite episode of this season. Let’s get into it!
So we start out with Trinity Taylor honorably taking Cynthia Lee Fontaine’s place as the new Cucu in the werk room. There was a religious ceremony including the slapping of the ass by Alexis Michelle. I’d just like to say that I’ll miss Cynthia because she was the only nice queen in this competition and all that are left are bitches.
Alexis Michelle mentions something that Ross said. Is Ross a judge this season? I wasn’t aware. Valentina, in a confessional, says that Alexis will make this win all about her, all about “mememememe”. …Yeah. She probably will own the fact that she won. Is that an inappropriate reaction? The queens have it out for Alexis and I feel left out because I don’t see what’s wrong with her. Maybe it’s because she can command attention better. In that case… jealousy is a sin, baby.
Ok LMAO at
Jasmine Masters’s Nina Bo’nina Brown: “Thank y’all for all y’all’s support and… reading me behind my back”. Commence eye-rolling by everyone. The way I saw it, that was funny. That was self-conscious, but intended to be playful. I think men find it frustrating when they can’t control/influence the emotions of others, hence all the queens showing their discontent for Nina’s comment. Nina Bo’nina Brown is a skeptical person who doesn’t put her faith in others. And if that’s how she wants to live her life, then so be it!
Next we see all the girls getting out of their Madonna lewks, and a scalped Trinity Taylor demonstrating breast reduction practices on Valentina. You can tell that after the hunt Trinity likes to skin her prey.
The next morning Valentina asks if anyone else has been having weird dreams. Everyone seems to relate. Unbeknownst to them, the nightmares are caused by that lifelike model of RuPaul tucked in the corner of the werk room. Inside this seemingly innocent statue is the corpse of Roxxxy Andrews; she had crystallized after the airing of season 5. Some say RuPaul hired a hit man to take her out. Others say she had ties with the mafia. The Roxxxy Andrews you saw in All Stars 2 is merely an illusion. A physical manifestation of thick and juicy, reconstructed from the disposed cybernetic implants of Michelle Visage and Merle Ginsberg. Anything she eats can be broken down into biodiesel. I’m an environmentalist, so I support Roxxxy Andrews.
So anyway, Alexis Michelle had a dirty dream about Sasha Velour. Before we could see where that was going, she already done had herses interrupts the conversation and the queens huddle around RuPaul’s beaten mug. Is this the first time in the season that that’s happened? The video message? Well, it’s an acting challenge everyone, and it’s inspired by the 90s sitcom 90210. Unlike Alexis Michelle I have never opened my heart to this program, so please excuse my bias. I’m blind to all the references. RuPaul tells Farrah Moan that he’s gonna fucking fuck her up and put her in the statue. …Guess that answers that question.
Since Peppermint survived last week’s lipsync, she’s put in charge of assigning the roles. To the relief of Nina Bo’nina Brown, Peppermint casts her as the character she wants, Blenda. OK but real talk that was very kind of her, God bless you Peppermint. Oh hold on, Aja’s playing Grandrea? Well fuck you, Peppermint. Aja needs a cigarette and so do I, I’m already 625 words into this review and there’s 30 minutes of the show left. Valentina stirs the pot and asks “Are you that stressed out?” This upsets Aja. Then Alexis Michelle comes for her and tells her to grow up. And I’m like UGH y’all are so vicious. Just saying if this was a group of women we’d just let her have her moment because obviously she needs to let out some frustration. Shea Couleé, a Smart Girl™ swiftly solves the problem by agreeing to switch her role with Aja’s. Peppermint courts it and they do a read-through. Aja quickly feels remorse for her behavior, and I feel bad because she lost this role opportunity. But in reality I’m actually just thinking about Farrah’s amazing werk room hair, it’s very Andy Biersack. Gayer, but not by much.
Trinity Taylor starts to style a couple wigs when Alexis SNIFFS out her ineptness and slays her hard work. “She didn’t wear it up… on her head like that”, she says. Trinity remains unbothered. Alexis next tells Shea Couleé to pronouce- Grandrea? Yeah, Grandrea, like Andrea. In one hip swing she even tells Valentina to fit the illusion with a natural brow. Listen y’all any time Valentina says something in Spanish I try to translate it but I have never been successful. I took French OK. She said what I’m assuming is “fueda” (pronounced fway-dah?) and I typed that into Google Translate and it said “fuck”. This is so random but frankly I lost my shit laughing at the translation “Girl bye! Fuck!
Oh damn it’s the first day of high school! Here’s what I noticed.
– NINA’S TALL!!!!!
– Shea can act
– Peppermint can act
I call shade with Nina Bo’nina Brown’s lines. “Where the cool people at this school?” The mention of “school” is redundant, and makes her line an unnecessary mouthful. It’s difficult to have a fluent tone, try and say that line yourself right now. The guest judges suggest enunciating the words, to which Nina replies “Ok, I know what’s going on”. These two poor white bitches were clocked.
– Farrah cannot act
– Valentina can act
– Sasha can act
– TEAM TRINITY TAYLOR
– Alexis can act
– Ya girl is shooketh by these prom outfits…
– LMAO at the fact that Aja and Peppermint were peer-pressured to make out. TBH though, I think it was shady editing showing those judges laughing. ‘Cause it was more gagworthy than funny.
– Aja cannot act
The runway theme is big hair, everywhere! While the queens are preparing, Aja talks about making mistakes, and says it just like a LaBeija. The accent is real, and I love it so. The conversation topic of prom is brought up, and Alexis Michelle says she showed up in drag with a friend. Valentina was prom king. And Trinity Taylor’s mom died. Ok, yeah no when this actually aired I cried over Trinity’s self-reflection and was very touched by how she took care of her grandmother. …Listen, I don’t know her personally, but from that story alone I can tell there’s something special about Trinity Taylor. Watch out for her.
So right after Trinity finishes and everyone cleans up their tear-soaked face, Shea pops in with a “I’ve lost so many relatives to cancer” and you hear Nina moan “NO!”
I have to say, whenever these moments happen you always see Sasha Velour listening intently. I think it’s a good trait to have: giving your full attention to someone when they’re talking.
Next thing you know RuPaul is stomping down the main stage and setting it aflame. Here’s what I got to say about the runway outfits.
Valentina: A frog on a lilly pad. Mmm, it’s a no from me, girl.
Farrah Moan: Dolly Parton realness. It’s fierce!
Trinity Taylor: By the grace of God, YEAH TEAM TRINITY!!!
Sasha Velour: …I done flooded my basement (I will never say this again. Cross check me and see). I adore punk, punk is forever. I stood up, screamed, and everything when I saw this on TV.
Peppermint: “Take that, Chaka Khan” Seriously beautiful, this is my favorite look on the runway today!
Nina Bo’nina Brown Jessica Parker: Ruanimale (coined from Reddit). Didn’t Bianca do this already? Actually, I’m not gonna complain. I grew up watching Cats the musical on DVD so this pleases me.
Shea Couleé: Them hips are really taking me out of the fantasy girl. But she knows how to snap and I struggle to do that with my right hand for some reason.
Alexis Michelle: Helena Bonham Carter.
Aja: I know why the caged queen… does…something. It’s drag.
After the runway they roll the lost tapes of 90210. Michelle was gonna say something, but Ru told her to shut up.
Shea can really, really act. If it weren’t for Trinity being hysterical (and having a better runway) Shea would have mopped this win no contest. Her body language makes sense with her character, and that laugh-snort thing… I’m proud. I don’t know why I’m proud but I am.
Why is the diner in the school? I said earlier that Farrah couldn’t act but the edit worked in her favor. It really worked in everyone’s favor; it seems like the editing team does have room for compassion this season! Trinity Taylor SWOOPS in and kills everyone with her charisma.
Gosh, Valentina is so pretty… Alexis wanting to be her reflection was a choice. Actually… WOW I didn’t notice this the first time I watched. This is the story of me losing my virginity. Literally looking in the mirror like “let’s get drunk and get fucked”.
Fast-forward to prom night! Can someone tell me what sort of cult is Farrah dressed up for? I honest- oh my God, Trinity. Her in the background of all the scenes is the best thing that’s happened to me in my life. Next we see Aja defeat titan Nina with a single slap, and…
LET’S HAVE A KAI-KAI
It’s draguation day! Let Monna Darton draguate! Wait… DRAGuate?
Alright… I calmed down after a cocktail in the interior illusions lounge… It was all a dream. There’s no such thing as a dragulator. Lady Bunny is just a figment of my imagination. Now, where was I?
Oh, yes, Valentina! You’re perfect, you’re beautiful! You look like Linda Evangelista; you’re a model! Everything about you is perfect; did you stone those gloves? Oh, you’re smiling! Valentina your smile is beautiful! You belong in the top 3 with Trinity Taylor and Shea Couleé. And you could teach a thing or two to the bottom 3: Nina Bo’nina Brown Ellis Ross, Sasha Velour, and Aja.
After much considered deliberation…
Condragulations, Trinity Taylor, you’re the winner of this week’s challenge! YAAAAAAS MAMA COME THROUGH!!!!!
And…I’m sorry, Nina Bo’nina Brown Abdul-Jabbar, but you’re up for elimination. You too, Aja.
Oh, the lipsync’s over? I must have blacked out. RuPaul decides there’s more to be had with Nina, and promptly evicts Aja. I’ll miss her, I’m from the east coast so I was rooting for her. Aja, when I see you live one day, I’ll give you a 10 dollar bill.
Oh Christ, this again? I could just end the review here, and no one would- Wait, Trinity shades Valentina? …In that case
How you doing mis amores, are you ready to read my Untucked review???
So, first thing’s first, the safe queens take a trip out back to the
lounge designated seating area. We’ve got Alexis Michelle, Peppermint, and Farrah Moan.
They discuss who’s in the top and bottom. “Maybe it’s four tops, and two bottoms?” Alexis asks. “I don’t think that’s ever happened.” says Peppermint. They must edit me out, because I’m in the corner like Alyssa Edwards eating a protein bar in the werk room.
This is a bit random but when Alexis isn’t yelling to get everybody’s attention, she has a lovely ASMR voice. I don’t know what that stands for, but if you know the internet, you know what I’m talking about. Tap-tap-tap with those fingernails.
When talking about the Peppermint/Aja make-out scene, Farrah asks, “Did she taste like a cheeto puff?” No, she tasted like spinach, Peppermint says, “She tasted healthy”. I made a note to put a joke here, but I can’t think of a joke. Sorry everyone.
Alright let’s fast forward to the point because I’ve been putting off finishing this for like 3 days now. Actually lemme just throw something out there: it takes me a long time to write these y’all I’m a slow writer. I always dive in expecting to get a review done in one sitting but it just doesn’t happen lol. This review, which is over 2000 words now, has taken at least 3-4 hours to write, over a span of 2 or 3 days. This is my concept of fun so I guess I like to take my time with it.
So boom Trinity Taylor releases the bomb, “Who do y’all want to go home”? I choke on my Kickstart Mtn Dew and I lean in. “That’s a very negative question”, says Valentina. I slouch back into my chair and pop an adderall.
“I’ve got a pageant question for you!” Says Alexis Michelle to Trinity Taylor. “Who’s your biggest competition here?”
“There’s two”, replies Trinity Taylor. A slight pause. “AND?” Valentina asks. Trinity continues, “One of them is sitting with us at the moment…” – Alexis Michelle laughs maniacally – “…And…Shea”.
In this moment I realize Valentina’s wearing a robe. Probably covering up for the shit she’s about to take when Trinity clocks her.
“The one sitting at the moment! And the answer is?” Valentina looks above, as if asking Jesus. A slight pause. “…Alexis”, Trinity retorts, “because it is not Valentina”. I literally consider veganism over this act of animal cruelty. I’m shook, as is Valentina. But just 5 minutes ago she was calling Trinity negative, so, like, what did you expect.
All of a sudden Farrah’s crying and Untucked’s over thanks for reading God bless the U.S.A. and also Canada to some extent. Tune in to VH1 on Friday to see all the girls lose and sashay away because it’s the roast challenge.