Alright so yes I’ve been jumping around with my reviews. I had one done, like literally done for that morning television show episode but I went on a rant at one point and never punctuated and posted. It’s whatever it’ll stay pretty in my drafts section. Let me talk about episode 6 of RuPaul’s Drag Race season 9.

Now first off… I am thoroughly gagged by the behavior of mama Ru in this episode. SEVERE. I never like when RuPaul gets, like, dominant around the queens. Remember that moment with Pearl? RuPaul looks down on you from 7 feet above and possesses the C.U.N.T to defeat you with a single glare. …It’s fuckin’ scary. I’m a short girl, so I get that kind of imagery in my nightmares.

I’ll begin at the very beginning.
God bless Eureka O’Hara. I miss her already, the aura in the werk room is different. Farrah Moan is literally dead inside and so am I. But we will have to move on without her.
Shea Couleé won the last challenge, deservedly. Her performance was short but extremely satisfying and that runway was very contemporary. Like the good contemporary. Alexis Michelle is devastated, but she should be because all these “friends” of hers are actually backstabbing hoes who turned a blind eye to her basic runway. It’s OK Alexis, I would have told you to change your clothes.

Like I mentioned Farrah is literally dead inside. Trinity Taylor can sense this, and before she can pat her head reassuringly, Farrah comes for Nina after she makes a snarky comment. It was honestly inspiring and the ideal way to start an episode tbqh. The deal was that Nina is sometimes seen complaining and giving up. Farrah figured, well, what are you still doing here if you’re hating it?
Shea jumps in and tries to patch it up but in the process says Nina has no self-confidence. It’s a damn mess in the werk room this evening. In fact, it’s time to trim the fat Alexis Michelle says. So Alexis calls Nina, Farrah, and Cynthia fat. But fat is crucial in the female physiological makeup. So she called them fishy. Thank you, Alexis Michelle.

Alright, in summons the new day. RuPaul busts open that werk room door and everyone’s tucks recede like their hairlines. Ru says, “The time has come. To separate the basic bitches (cuts to Aja) from the fierce ass queens (cuts to Valentina). What kind of underground goblin hateful editing- oh and it gets worse. The editors are shady to even RuPaul this episode. Ok so yes SNATCH GAME!!!! OH GOD YES!!! RuPaul drops a smoke bomb and disappears.

Trinity Taylor is playing Amanda Lepore. At first I was like, ok work, but she’s funny? That’s transphobic.
Shea Couleé is playing Naomi Campbell.
Peppermint is playing NeNe Leakes.
Aja is doing Alyssa Edwards. In a bonus clip found on LogoTV.com we can see the queens huddling around Aja trying to convince her not to do it. Well, Cynthia and Peppermint were. Valentina was just standing there, glaring at all of them. She tends to do that, stare at people disapprovingly and talk shit about them later. I mean, that’s what I’m doing right now, as I watch Aja do her Alyssa Edwards impression. Crystal Labeija would have been cooler to see on TV.
In another bonus clip, we see Nina Bo’nina Brown is playing Jasmine Masters. To my surprise Farrah Moan lives for Jasmine, as do I, I watch her live on Instagram all the time. Nina says her and Jasmine are both bitches with a dry sense of humor who speak their minds. I really wish they put this clip in the actual aired episode because it shows how much love people have for Jasmine Masters. Later on you’ll know how I feel about the comments the judges made and why they were inappropriate.
Sasha Velour is playing Marlene Dietrich. Starting here, we see demon Ru emerge from the cocoon. After Sasha serves up a raw feminist impression of Judith Butler, RuPaul says, “…well I’m glad you’re doing Marlene Dietrich”.
Alexis Michelle is doing Liza Minnelli FINALLY! RuPaul tells her to make her funny, but that’s barely a hurdle. Alexis wants a win more than I want a shot and a drag right now, so you can tell the motivation is real.
Cynthia Lee Fontaine is doing Sofia Vergara. Ru asks for a demo and she speaks Spanish. Ru doesn’t understand the so he asks, “Ok so when are you going to start doing Sofia?” Again, damn girl. I hate when RuPaul does this because it’s too down-to-earth for her to say. Have you ever been working hard on something, only for someone to show up, give you a mild insult, and leave you wondering if they were low-key making a good point? If RuPaul reads your drag look and drag aesthetic then that shit must bust some balls. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is: the outcomes of Snatch Game do rely on RuPaul’s werk room opinion (to a certain extent)! Riding on my hypothetical thought-wave, I’d like to point out Cynthia’s snatch game edit did not show her speaking Spanish. Did Ru scare her out of speaking Spanish? ‘Cause that’s kind of Sofia’s gig other than her breasts. I hop off the wave.
The runway is revealed to be the night of 1000 Madonna’s part II (Can someone tell me what “due” is? What language is RuPaul speaking?). Part one was last season and it was sort of messy.

OK BOOM IT’S SNATCH GAEM I’M SNATCHED
Introducing guest judges scary man from Coven and Denis O’Hare. I’m sorry I was typing it out and I couldn’t leave that stone unturned. Candis Cayne is fierce and allergic to mustard.

I don’t want to type out all the jokes so go watch Snatch Game on YouTube and follow the joke table with me.

Drag Queen/Illusion Did they counter Ru/the question Do they do it well
Trinity Taylor/Amanda Lepore
Sasha Velour/Marlene Dietrich
Aja/Alyssa Edwards
Nina Bo’nina Brown/Jasmine Masters
Farrah Moan/Gigi Gorgeous
Alexis Michelle/Liza Minnelli
Peppermint/NeNe Leakes
Valentina/Miss Colombia
Shea Couleé/Naomi Campbell
Cynthia Lee Fontaine/Sofie Vergara
Alexis Michelle/Liza Minnelli
Aja/Alyssa Edwards
Nina Bo’nina Brown/Jasmine Masters
Trinity Taylor/Amanda Lepore
Shea Couleé/Naomi Campbell
Farrah Moan/Gigi Gorgeous
Sasha Velour/Marlene Dietrich
Valentina/Miss Colombia
-A COUNTER COUNTER- Alexis Michelle/Liza Minnelli
Farrah Moan/Gigi Gorgeous
Nina Bo’nina Brown/Jasmine Masters
Cynthia Lee Fontaine/Sofie Vergara
Sasha Velour/Marlene Dietrich
Peppermint/NeNe Leakes
-A COUNTER COUNTER- Trinity Taylor/Amanda Lepore
Alexis Michelle/Liza Minnelli
Valentina/Miss Colombia
-A COUNTER COUNTER-Cynthia Lee Fontaine/Sofie Vergara

Wow this is huge I apologize. Let me mention that the “Did they do it well” portion is my own opinion. Here are my other small notes.
– PRE-PAYED CRICKET PHONE CHRIS ROCK THANK YOU SO MUCH
– Nina glancing upwards as Jasmine Masters is my aesthetic
– Alexis swipes in with a counter-counter, meaning she bounced off another girl’s joke, and she does it successfully! This is a powerful move in Snatch Game if done right. counter counter 2
– “This is going somewhere, I can tell” :/ “And a long way to go, for an answer” GIRL!
–  “And the winner is… all the celebrities that weren’t impersonated tonight.” …Damn girl.

*tense commercial break*

Oh Peppermint came out as trans? I thought…that was common ground. But whatever she’s out y’all. Peppermint is kinda famous so everyone was like “oh nooo way” *hugs*. Also: to all the people who want to separate transvestites from transgenders and transexuals… Y’ALL ARE DUMB. They are, like, Yakuza groups bound together by families. All under the umbrella of faggotry. Like the gay clan and the lesbian clan are families. And we all fight against 1st Chairman of the straight man clan, Donald Trump. I’ve been playing a lot of Yakuza 4 lately.

ALRIGHT ARE YOU READY FOR THE RUNWAY?! Night of 1000 Madonnas.

Aja: From the Who’s That Girl World Tour. It’s cute but shintey.
Alexis Michelle: As Breathless Mahoney. Breathless Mahenny. Honestly she looks good.
Peppermint: Material Girl. Pink gloves, cut off the hand. Small necklace.
Shea Couleé: Material Girl… Black gloves, covering hands. Large necklace. Madonna’s necklace was medium, ladies. I don’t know which one I feel is better. Both good!
Trinity Taylor: Met Gala 2013. ffFFUUUCK THAT’S A GOOD LOOK!
Nina Bo’nina Brown: Met Gala 2013… Oh girl no… Not against Trinity Taylor you won’t…
Sasha Velour: Erotica. Work tbh.
Farrah Moan: Superbowl 2012 Cleopatra. Now this is gagworthy, as it’s a well executed replica.
Cynthia Lee Fontaine: Brit Awards 2015. It looks nothing like what Madonna wore LOL. Her hair ain’t right either. It’s a decent look but not true to the OG.
Valentina: I watched this live on TV and GAGGED because I really thought she stepped out on the runway balls-out. Not to be an unsatisfied critic but I was actually disappointed it was a cardboard cut-out.

More illustrious notes:

– Gigi Gorgeous has an underground cool factor HA
– OK so that scary AHS Coven man fuckin’ ripped Jasmine Masters a new asshole on cable TV and I was very unpleasantly gagged. He called her the “poster child for discontent”. And Ru was living for this description, let’s be real. Although I… really agree with Denis O’Hare with his statement… Jasmine herself was watching drag race that day and I thought that was hurtful. Now I know Jasmine Masters is a tough man under all that makeup, but I admire him, and I don’t ever want him to think for one second that he isn’t truly adored by the community. And that’s the T. If anyone is reading this I want you to keep in mind that these are real people under them wigs. Give them more love than critique. Sometimes that’s easy to forget when they acting a fool, but… Drag queens are men who just want love and attention like a woman would receive, so let them live the fantasy.
– Michelle Visage makes a relevant point: DON’T IMPERSONATE DRAG QUEENS IN SNATCH GAME. Girl, it’s so true. And Candis piggybacks saying they should be choosing someone who is “beyond their knowledge”.
– RuPaul finally summons the “elephant in the room”… Is it her wet maxipad? No, it’s innocent Cynthia Lee Fontaine. How fucking dare ANYONE out there make fun of Cynthia Lee Fontaine AFTER ALL SHE’S BEEN THROUGH! She’s lost her virginity, she went through an elimination. She had 2 fucking slip-ups her jokes turned out to be terrible, a travesty, and now she’s going through another lipsync. ALL YOU DRAG QUEENS CARE ABOUT IS READERS AND MAKING MONEY OFF OF HER. SHE’S A HUMAN!! What you don’t realize is Cynthia is supporting people at the HIV clinic and all you do is write a bunch of CRAP about her. She hasn’t contoured her face right in years. ALL YOU PEOPLE WANT IS MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE! LEAVE HER ALONE. You’re lucky she even performs for you BASTARDS. LEAVE CYNTHIA LEE FONTAINE ALONE!! PLEASE.
– Ok RuPaul complimenting Sasha Velour and the camera cutting to a skeptical Alexis Michelle was maybe my favorite part of this episode. Condragulations Alexis Michelle, you finally won a challenge! People are saying she’s bitter for wanting a win so bad, but in my opinion, it was a long time comin’ and she thoroughly deserved it.

I cannot re-watch this lipsync again so I’m moving on to untucked.

Alrighty so Aja, Trinity Taylor, Shea Couleé, Valentina, oh that’s it? Are safe. Damn, this competition is really getting on its way… Valentina talks about being a threat and yadayadayada. Trinity Taylor says she wants more critique. Well I’ll give you my one critique girl. That wig’s bang should be ever so slightly shorter. It was covering the brow. Madonna showed a little bit of forehead. But that’s all I’m gonna say because Trinity managed to look sexier than the OG Madonna and that is a blessing.
What’s also a blessing is Valentina’s buttcrack being censored on YouTube but not on live TV. Yes I was looking there. She lays a cloth down like a good nudist should, and sits uncomfortably as to not reveal her one tiny belly roll.
Oh my God they’re fighting. Everyone is snatched bald and I’m trying to keep up. Trinity gets caught up in it, “…Edges? Like, when you mow grass?” Even an irrelevant lesbian like me knows an edge when I see one LOL. Shea gives a brief rundown to those who do not know, “So edges, for, normally for ladies of color who like to wear their wigs and their weaves- your edges are the natural hair that you leave out to blend in so they cannot clock that it’s a wig or that it’s a weave or that it’s a hairpiece!”. We now know that Trinity uses black spray to create her own edges. OK but real talk all these young gay men clocking Trinity for not using her own edges. LIKE, BOYS. HER HAIRLINE! IT HAS LEFT THE BUILDING! On the flipside, Aja doesn’t understand were “gagged” is derived from. “Gagged”, the gay slang, means “surprised”. It’s derived from “gagged”, meaning “to choke or retch”. Basically the slang comes from the surprise one gets from getting dick so hard down the throat that you choke. I may be gay but I have been there done that. Christ almighty, let’s move along.
I always laugh when Valentina doesn’t jump into the conversation and instead excuses herself. She’s probably still getting Eureka flashbacks. She compliments herself and asks Trinity and Shea what they thought about the newly infamous Madonna runway part II FAIL. I really cannot fathom why they couldn’t all have different outfits- anyway- Shea claims the best-dressed of the duos are herself and Trinity (as opposed to Peppermint and Nina Bo’nina Brown). They say some shady things and I disassociate slightly until the rest of the queens waltz into the backstage.
Nina walks in and smacks her ass down right next to her sis, Trinity Taylor, twinning respectively.
L’Chaim to Cynthia Lee Fontaine!
Over 2,000 characters in and I’m getting sick of clocking these trannies. But I will finish what I started because that is God’s will.
HA the metronome tongue-pops- oh my God a video message? Well look who it is, it’s Nina Bo’nina Brown’s motha. She said some shady things and I disassociated a little. Then Shea pops her tuck and comes for Nina like Bianca came for Laganja Estranja, OPPRESSION IS REAL.
“You’re a slut”, says Aja as she stops by Farrah Moan’s station. Appropriately this reminds Farrah of cigarettes so they sashay outside in search of a nicotine high. The outside scenes in untucked are so draggy because this new one-room setting for untucked doesn’t encourage name-dropping and shade distribution. They talk about Alexis Michelle going bonkers.
Meanwhile, Alexis Michelle gets her second wind from Trinity’s spanking.

Alright I’m done with this faggotry bye Cynthia I love you mis amores God bless slay the house down boots yaaas Gaga. Next episode is Friday at 8pm be there or be boxy andrews.

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