What. the fuck. was. that. challenge.

…Ok. Here’s my bias. I was drunk and high when I watched this. More high than drunk. And this episode threw me into an infinite loop of tragedy and mania. Even worse, I was showing some friends this show FOR THE FIRST TIME. This is their first taste of drag race? On top of the insanity, I was trying to explain that this… wasn’t drag race. But to my demise it certainly was. That was literally, cut and edited, episode 3 of RPDR season 9.

So… wow I can barely remember this episode… The concept was to dress up as a fairytale princess, and to have a sidekick that does a ridiculously long monologue. A monologue made up of an mad-libed script. So basically, on top of a general story, they added nouns and adjectives to personalize this pre-made sidekick, and it was a DAMN MESS. I want to write what each queen did or said but I was in such awe I absorbed nothing. I guess there’s nothing else to do than discuss the looks, lipsync, and untucked.

Aja: Her character had something to do with a disaster… She wore all red and had a sidekick smoke cloud, which was probably the most recognizable sidekick other than Trinity’s, so idk why she was put in the bottom. Aja looked crazy and I loved it. I won’t deny that she looked a mess, à la Shangela, but at least she was memorable!
Alexis Michelle: Kingdom of the Subway realness. Oh my fucking God her sidekick. I screamed. I loved her hair, but her dress, not so much.
Charlie Hides: Her gig is a gold dress with things poking out her head- for some reason I don’t feel like talking about this so I’m gonna move on
Cynthia Lee Fontaine: Her little hare sidekick LMAO. So her shtick included the cucu but the garment did not include the cucu. Lack-luster; I’m not crazy about it.
Farrah Moan: I think this is the first truly half-assed garment of the season! It was bound to happen so no shade. Her sidekick was a choice…
Kimora Blac: OK HERE’S WHAT I THINK. I think Kimora was offended that she had to be a monkey for her sidekick. It was probably the shittiest sidekick to get, out of all of them. Her actual look is good though, she looked great. But that was shady of the production team. Why would anyone- other than Manila- want to serve ape couture? Not cute.
Nina Bo’nina Brown: Bringing it with the makeup skillz. I’m happy to see SOME creativity in the girls this season. Her sidekick kinda looked like her but whatever. It’s fierce.
Peppermint: …Did she not see season 7, the beard challenge? Her scorched skin looked like Jasmine Master’s interpretation of a “beard”. But otherwise, she looked good. Her sidekick was especially imaginative because it sat in the palm of her hand.
Sasha Velour: Princess Uglina and her homely sidekick. Yeah it’s ok. The birdcage and makeup for her sidekick was cool but the rest is kind of slipping from my memory as I type this.
Shea Couleé: Princess Aquaria, as told by that garment. It’s a successful look yes gawd.
Trinity Taylor: PRINCESS AQUAPUSSY YAAS. One of the straight guys I was watching this with lived for this look. And it deserved the win, 100%. All hail Stanky the Starfish.
Valentina: No… I didn’t like this look. It’s boring and that hair gives me hives. It is a hive – a bleached bee hive. Although the fairy at her side was an homage to The Legend of Zelda, which was pretty sweet.
Eureka: You reek of diarrhea. . . Why does she hate herself, girl? Be kind to yourself baby! It’s a good look and the sidekick is…notable. Work!

So after all this fuckery, Trinity Taylor SNATCHED the win and it was sickening. Then a fabulous lipsync commenced. Kimora Blac vs. none other than Miss AJA! I was SO proud to show my friends this lipsync, because this is really what it’s all about. Just, like, a gay man feeling his gig and vibing with the music. The song was the LEGENDARY I Need a Hero by Bonnie Tyler, and Aja fucking high-kicked Kimora Blac into the void. Still unhappy with the decision to put Aja in the bottom, but it was a message that needed to be sent to the other queens. There is hell to be raised on the main stage.

Alright so there’s Untucked. I really miss the real lounges, that were small rooms, making the queens claustrophobic and increasingly more crazy.
Some comments on Untucked:
– Lol’d at when Eureka pronounced Valentina with a th. I mean, that’s how Val herself pronounces it too, but it’s subtle. Is that how the Spanish say it? If you speak el español leave a comment.
– Who would the queens have sex with? I’m a lesbian so this doesn’t adhere to me as an audience all that much, but believe it or not I’m curious also. Alexis Michelle says Sasha Velour and Shea Couleé. Shea Couleé says Sasha Velour and Alexis Michelle (who was honestly like 656eb2c2e60d5f6f0d13bf82d723c168), and then cruelly drags married Charlie Hides into it. Oh and Valentina gets hate fucked. Wait, no, actually everybody can get some from Shea Couleé. I think I heard Sasha Velour agreeing to the whole cast orgy. Eureka says if someone else is interested, she’s interested. Cynthia Lee Fontaine attempts to show her affection to Eureka but is rejected without eye-contact. Cynthia claims she’d have sex with Kimora (same) and Trinity Taylor; she admires the androgynous look. I’d say I’m with her, girl!
– Farrah Moan has a nice laugh.
– Aja put her anger out on Valentina, and that was immature, but, like… I’m not putting her down for targeting Valentina. The admiration of beauty is a powerful thing that can be used as an advantage. It’s not something you work for, assuming you naturally take care of your body and health. Although it’s not Valentina’s fault, she is getting favored to a certain extent because of her attractiveness in and out of drag. If I were there, I’d encourage Val to SERVE it every waking moment to prove to them that beauty is not what is keeping her on top. I believe that purely being fierce in every aspect would tend to the bitterness of others. Perhaps not.
– “You could hardly even get yourself together and you’re telling me to get myself together girl bye” I took a shot for Farrah lmao poor girl. Why is it that I don’t taste vodka until I swallow it? I can take it into my mouth and keep it near my teeth and not taste or feel the burn. Once I swallow it the flavors emerge. Irrelevant.
– I’m kind of drunk now. I like what Alexis Michelle said: “Aja, I think there’s a strong chance you’ll be safe and you won’t have to [lipsync for ur life], but if you lipsync, America’s about to find out what Aja can do”. Looking back on the episode I love this moment because Aja is seriously a fierce queen. I mean take a moment to watch her assassinate Kimora Blac ruthlessly.
– Kimora takes a moment to say goodbye because she knows she’s about to be shot UP. No but really this was a heartwarming thing to watch because what I truly love about RuPaul’s Drag Race is the positive relationships the queens have with one another. The shade and hate is great in small quantities but mostly I just want these bitches in motion lipsyncing to Kum ba yah.

I don’t feel like watching Kimora pack up so that’s all I gotta say y’all Godspeed